I had an emotional affair but it's over. Now my wife wants to know my computer & email passwords. Invasive?

I have a computer password for my laptop and private passwords for my emails and a code for my cell. I did it because I am flirtatious (but harmless) by nature and my wife always construes things the wrong way. I'm a guy who feels more comfortable around women and she had never liked that I have more girl friends than guy friends. Plus she is the type to go through my things and confront the girl as well as me, embarrassing me to death. It's always been this way, but lately, we had been going through a rough patch and I had what she believes is an emotional affair with another woman. I had also been contacting and texting 2 of my ex girlfriends. But it was all platonic! So somehow she found out and demanded that either I leave or the following happen: marriage counseling, cut off all ties with my ex girlfriends even thought we're just friends, shut down my PRIVATE facebook page, unlock my phone, unlock my laptop and give her the passwords to everything. Is that unreasonable???

I had an emotional affair but it's over. Now my wife wants to know my computer %26amp; email passwords. Invasive?
well yes and no...k for starters she is your WIFE..so show her a little respect and stop hiding things from her. u need to put yourself in her shoes for once.lets say she had passwords for everything,kept her phone locked,had a private facebook...what would u do? u would probably react the same way she did..u would want to know why they are locked..there is a reason its because u have something to hide..my best bet is that if u wouldnt have locks on things and soo many passwords then she wouldnt have thought twice about it..2 yeh she is crossing the line to a point...u should have ur privacy just like she likes hers but when u give them a reason to waunder i say its ok for a wife to want to know what u have to hide..
Reply:So attend concerts with wife. Who cares%26gt; So wear the wedding ring. It;s long overdue. Do not give her passwords etc. Just say she is very important to you and you want her to feel comfy. However, Insist these women are Platonic friends, no more, and you must never get sexual Io have innuendos.
Reply:Well if you're married you don't need 'private' facebook sites, password protected emails or computers. Makes you look like you are hiding something, which obviously you were which is why your wife now doesn't trust you. Duh! You made the bed now lay in it.
Reply:No it is not unreasonable. She is your WIFE and you should respect her as such. You think her confronting you and whatever "platonic" friend you happen to be flirting with is embarrassing to you? How do you think your behavior makes her feel? GROW UP!!!
Reply:YOUR the sick one '


YOU SHOULD AHVE GOT WITH THE PROGRAM ,,IF YOU LOVED HER AND MARRIED HER THEN SHE IS YOUR WIFE ,,YOU SHOULD RESPECT THAT AND GROW UP ALREADY ..I HOPE SHE LEAVES YOU ,,BECASUE YOU ARE A SORRY EXAMPLE OF A LOSER FOOL ..YOU WANT TO PLAY ,,,DAMMIT YOUR GONNA PAY $$$ IN THE END !!GOOD FOR HER !!
Reply:I'd say it's par for the course since she doesn't think she can trust you anymore. You dug the hole, now she's going to bury you in it.
Reply:Your lucky if she is giving you a chance to work on the marriage with you because most women would have already been gone.
Reply:I have the same situation going on for many years and I can tell the truth will not always set you free. Play brain dead on the passwords.
Reply:You sound an utter twat, i can't for the life of me see why she would bother trying to work it out with you.
Reply:If the shoe fits, wear it..., passwords, unlock,privacy... thats all I read... when people are married they really shouldnt hide anything from each other... You deserve what you get!!
Reply:you know this is wrong...and you know the answers your gonna get...im not even gonna waste my time on something like this!!!
Reply:wow i dont blame her....how would you feel if it was her doing this??
Reply:DEAD WRONG AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...











READ MY NAME... EMOITINAL MIS STRESS





You said yourself that you had cheated, emotional aaafffaaaiiirr. secret paswords private this private that...okay whatever dude... what do want us to say? ooooh....go right ahead and keep doing whatever it is your doin she should trust you. YEAH SURE ....UR RIGHT!!!!!





TRUST THAT YOUR A LIAR AND A CHEATER AND CAN'T BE TRUSTED.





I HOPED SHE CHEATS ON YOUR A$$ W/ YOUR FATHER,BROTHER, MALE COUSIN , MALE BESTFRIEND .....HOW WOULD THAT MAKE YOU FEEL DUMMBY ?
Reply:you're lucky she didn't leave you. she's giving you a second chance and you need to respect her wishes if you want the marriage to work. think about it this way... if roles we're switched and she were talking to all sorts of guys and had everything 'private' so you couldn't see any of it, would you let it go? most likely NOT. you act like you want to be single, if so, be fair to her and divorce.
Reply:If my boyfriend did this i wouldve done the same thing.


I feel that since you are trying to jusify it by saying it was "platonic" over and over you know you did something wrong. Would you want your wife to talk to past flames or that cute guy at her work? My guess is that you are making her wonder what shes doing wrong(which is nothing) by you talking to other women? Harmless flirting is defined different to 2 people. Also, If my boyfriend had a password for everything I would start to think he is hiding something especially with your track record. Your married, act like it...
Reply:If she can't trust you and you want to get it back, then yes you should. A good rule is to not ever do anything you would hide from her or that you wouldn't do with her right next to you. Also, just because it is over for you doesn't mean it is over for her. She probably has a lot of stuff to work through and it will take awhile.
Reply:NO, it's not invasive. You lied and hid things from her and she drew a line in the sand, which is more than I would do. I would kick your sorry a$$ out then and there. At least she's good enough to try to make the marriage work. Everything she said is right and positive for the marriage. A married man does not need secret online accounts and private passwords. The only reason you had all that is to keep things from your wife!





You sound so sleazy. You don't sound like you love your wife at ALL. If you did, you would never do these things or you would at least have the decency to leave so she can get on with her life and not have to put up with an emotionally abusive jerk like yourself.





Your wife isn't unreasonable. YOU ARE. I personally think she needs to divorce you so fast your head will spin.





Yahoo answers rarely gets a strong emotion out of me, but this one is different. This one sickens me. God help your poor wife. May she finally realize what a tool you are and GET OUT.
Reply:sounds like you lead her to feel this way. i say the only way to make this right is to do those things for her and maybe she will change and not have to know every detail about you after she regains trust. if she doesnt, well you have nothing without trust. but give her one more chance...ya never know!
Reply:I really can't blame her for wanting to look at your things to see if you're cheating. People that act like they have something to hide typically do.





But it really sounds like you two are just running in circles chasing tails. You intentionally locked your cell phone/computer because you blatantly say you're flirtatious and you don't want her to read what you're saying to other women.





I really think that if you want to save your marriage you need to show her that you can be trusted. You two really need counseling. I hope everything works out!
Reply:She is afraid. It will be a while before she trusts you. Its up to you to undo what you've done. And you have to be patent with her.





You did this to yourself, rough patches happen in marriages. You need to find another way to deal with them, like maybe facing them. Other women are not the answer.





If you aren't prepared to handle challenges any better than that, then maybe you aren't ready to be married.





Try EMPATHY. How would you feel in her shoes?
Reply:the burden of proof is on you. quit being so flirty - try this: if you wouldn't do it with your wife standing right beside you, then don't do it. you're asking for trouble. personally, i wouldn't stay with you after this. "just friends" that you need to hide conversations from your spouse are not "just friends" ... i'd be an open book, be understanding of her feelings, and BEG HER to forgive you ... in fact, just get rid of the computer. sounds like you're not using it for anything productive anyhow.
Reply:I think you're definitely crossing the line with these women that you consider platonic friends. Meeting these women for lunch, people that you meet online? That's going a little too far. I feel like anything you feel you have to hide from your spouse, you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place.


I'm like you, I get along better with the opposite sex rather than other females. I have more male friends, but I never secretly meet up with them and usually my guy is with me if I do meet them and that's out of respect for him and I don't mind. I'm not saying you shouldn't have outside interests and friends other than your spouse, you definitely should. But certain situations fly out of the boundaries and those are the ones that you have to sneak around to do. I understand why she's insecure, she has a flirtatious man that is going out of boundaries of what is acceptable and who thinks it's all fun and games. You should have respect for your spouse, would you want her off meeting guys on line and having lunch dates in the day and texting all night?


I'm sure you wouldn't feel so nonchalant about that.


Good luck.
Reply:that's what happens when you play. even when it just with emotions. What she's requesting is not unusal or unreasonable after an affair.





you now need to decide if you want to stay married to your wife. she's told you the cost of staying married to her, if you aren't willing to pay it then see the divorce lawyer.





BTW: counseling would be good for the two of you if you do decide to try staying together. A disinterested 3rd party who is excellent at his/her job would be able to show you how your behavior (the emotional affair) destroys your relationship with your wife and show her how her irrational jealousy destroys intimacy in the relationship with you.





some things for you to remember:


emotional affairs are not platonic. you are investing emotions into a relationship that should be directed to your wife. opposite sex friendships are destructive and suspicious when you keep them hidden from your spouse. These women should be your wife's friends as well. If they are not willing to be her friend then you have to limit your time and contact with them. If you are not willing to have them be your wife's friends as well as your friend then you probably shouldn't be married.





edit:


dude, seriously.


first you married a woman who is uncomfortable with a man who has platonic female friends.





second, you behave in a way that makes the women think you are single and/or available. If you're a flirty kind of guy, then you have to flirt in a manner that is clear that you don't mean anything by it and you have to know when to not take it too far. If you're going to have female friends then you can't keep them secret from your wife and they have to be willing to befriend your wife as well. If they aren't, then they have ulterior motives and you shouldn't be friends with them. If you aren't willing to have them meet your wife, then your motives are suspect.





third, you had an emotional affair that just "proved" to your wife that her worst fears about men with female friends is true--that fear being there is no such thing as platonic friendships with the opposite sex. (I don't believe it for a second--I have plenty of platonic opposite sex friends--but there are a great many people who don't believe that people can be friends with the opposite sex and I realize that says a great deal about those people. It says they don't trust the opposite sex and that if they were going to be friends with someone of the opposite sex then they have ulterior motives that have nothing to do with friendship)
Reply:Go ahead DIVORCE!! Save her the time that she is going to be wasting on you so that she can get someone that will be faithful. Look at how long you have been interacting with the other women, how long did it take you before you allowed it to go to another level???? You keep flirting with these women hoping that something else will happen is why you are doing it. You should not put yourself into the way of temptations, you can't handle it.......secrets destroy marriages. It's time to put the big boy pants on and realize you have a wife and responsibilities now so put away your toys. No spouse deserves to be treated like second rate.
Reply:It sounds like there are major trust issues here. I don't know the extent of what was going on. If you did have an "emotional" affair then I would say no it's not invasive. However the best advice I can give you is to go to counseling. If you don't trust each other, what do you have?





EDIT - After viewing the additional details you just posted, I think she's right on target. Doing the things you've done just opens yourself up for this. Put yourself in her place honestly. How would you feel if she had done the same things. I have a feeling my point was just made! If you really love her then you need to do some self evaluation and decide how to make the changes that need to be made.
Reply:i'm sorry to say this but i woudlnt be able to trust u either. i would want all the passwords and everything. if u have nothing to hide then u shouldnt have a problem with it. she obviously loves u and u dont see that. she doesnt want to get hurt anymore. i dont blame her. u havent shown her that she can trust u. u should show her everything and let her look. let her feel that there is nothing to worry about. as far as the wedding ring thing goes that pretty shalow that u said ur vows with the ring and u dont even wear it and u lost it. that doesnt even show that u love her or that u are faithful to ur marriage. she would be smart to leave
Reply:I think you should quit being such a jerk, and realize how lucky you are that your wife even stays with you. Seriously, you are being a royal jerk, and yet you have the nerve to try to put the blame on her?! How dare you!





I feel sorry for your wife.. She deserves better than you.
Reply:My questions, if you have nothing to hide, why passcode everything? What are you afraid of? I don't blame her for the stance she has taken.





If you want her to see things from your perspective, try seeing it from hers. How would YOU feel if she did the things you are doing?? Would you trust her?





I'm a former cheater and I keep everything open. My boyfriend knows that he can get into my purse. Can put things in it and take what he needs out of it at anytime. My passwords are not kept secretively and my cell is NEVER locked.





If you want to save your marriage, I'd suggest opening up everything, and be open to marriage counseling to prove to her that you are trustworthy.
Reply:My Fiancee is flirtatious by nature as well, but he has never had an emotional affair with anyone else, I would be very offended. I as well am not used to a man having so many female friends, so he has made sure I know them all, I know what he talks about with them and all of that. He does not talk to any ex's. He does not cross any lines when he does do his flirting, and for my peace of mind he has given me all of his passwords, because he has done this and taken the time to let me know whats really going on I don't feel the need to check on him. Otherwise I dont think we could make it, if he didn't do this and give me this respect as his future wife and he knows that because all the flirting makes you think bad things. You did have an emotional affair which doesnt make yor wife feel any better. I mean is flirting with other women so important? If your not going to do anything with them what is the point, to hurt your wife? To have your ego boosted? I mean if you like the attention ask your wife to give you more, how about flirt with your wife? Just some suggestions, I mean shes your wife, she sould know everything thats going on in your life, you made a commitment to be one flesh. How would you feel if the roles where reversed and she did all of this to you? I'm quite sure you would request the same thing. Good luck and God bless.
Reply:You're trying to FIND your wedding ring, and never wore it? You treat your marriage like it never happenned. Why don't YOU get with the program? You're married, now act like it.





I think you should both go to separate counseling, because with couples counseling, there's a risk - in codependent situations like this - that you'll both try to "win" the favor of the counselor, and you'll use the counselor's words against each other in later fights.





This situation depends on both of you continuing your behavior. She acts suspicious because you've given her reason to, and you act blaise because she seems to be imprisoning you with her suspicions. You both have to stop what you're doing.





Start paying attention to her needs. Tell her you'll give her all the passwords, etc, but make her promise, on divorce papers, that she won't attack your friends anymore. I mean, if it's all platonic, then you have nothing to hide, and if she can see that, then she has no need to attack your friends.





And dude! What are you doing going to concerts without your wife, and with a bunch of women and without your wedding band? Are you an alien who hasn't visited the planet Earth before? That's so unreasonable. Get real.





You obviously WANT to be in the doghouse. You picked a mate who had suspicious tendencies. Then you did everything possible to drive her nuts. Don't you see that? What are you getting out of being suspected? Does it excite you? Does it keep the marriage fresh for you? Does it make you feel like a man? Does it make you laugh inside as you watch other women want you, and never have you? That's what you need to work on in separate counseling.
Reply:Well... this is a tricky one. I want to say yes and no. I want to say yes because trust is not trust without a little faith. You cant claim to trust someone while you are searching through all thier personal stuff to make sure they are not doing anything behind your back. I was to say no because an emotional affair can almost be wrose then a physcial affair. In an emotional affair you have given a peice of your heart away, willingly and could have really hurt your wife more then you realize. Now she is just working on instincts, she is trying to save her marriage, and she is trying to hold onto you!


Messaging your ex girlfreinds (even if its platonic) during a rough patch inyour marriage was a very bad idea. Even if you dont have any feelings for those girls, your wife is getting the message that your not intersted in her anymore. Not physically, but emotionally your not interested. You would rather talk to someone you left behind instead of talking to her. That is very hurtfull! Marriage counselling is a good idea for the both of you. Cut of your ties with your ex girlfreinds for now. Maybe in time when your marriage is more steady you can connect with them again, but theyt are your ex's for a reason and your wife's feelings come first. But i dont suggest you give her passwords to all her stuff. Explain to her that you are still allowed to have your private space but she has every right to be worried and curious as to what your doing. That being said maybe read her a paragraph of what you said to this girl or what some girl said to you. This way she knows you have no problem with letting her know what your doing but yuou can still have you personal space. Either way, it'd be a good idea to cut back on the fliriting, no matter who it is or whether you really mean it until your marriage is runing more smoothly. Plus its a big red flag when a man doesnt want to wear a wedding ring! She thinks, why doesnt he want other woment to know that he is taken? I am sure you would think the same if your wife was flirting with every guy she talked to, without her wedding ring on, telling all her secrets to sexy john smith while hubby was sitting at home now wouldn't you??

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